Well, here’s the first installment of “Prophet Five,” where I’ll list five things revolving around a common theme.

…and today’s theme is: “Women who kick ass.”

[CHELSEA HANDLER]

It’s too bad that Chelsea goes for “Silver Foxes” because anytime, anyplace she changes her mind and decides to become a full blown cougar…. CHELSEA I’M HERE WAITING! This girl is hands down the funniest person I have ever seen, heard…whatever. And for her age (sorry Chels), she is smokin’. If you’ve never experienced this very classy and modest lady for yourself, definitely check out her late night talk show on E! (is there an ! with that?) at 11:30 P.M., or really any hour of the day with the reruns.

[NASTIA LIUKIN]

So for the past two weeks of my life, the Olympics has pretty much run my life. I don’t know what it is, but I LOVE seeing our country utterly destroy others in competition (Michael “The God of Everything” Phelps). I don’t really follow gymnastics, but seeing Nastia kick so much ass last week while looking drop dead gorgeous doing it, has made me almost regret not following it more. Whether she’s calmly waiting to rip one of those underage Chinese bitch’s heads off, or winning a god damn gold medal, she’s making me fall in love with her. Come on SI… put THIS ONE in the next swimsuit issue!

[NANCY GRACE]

Nancy Grace states her case… and you better watch the fuck out if she doesn’t agree with you. I really think it says it all when she’s not on her show for whatever reason, maybe taking care of her newborn twins or just taking some time off, and has to call into her OWN show to argue with the people on it because they’re full of BS. And that’s the thing. She sees right through any and all types of bullshit, and will put a stop to anyone feeding it to her or the viewers. It also makes me laugh every single time, when viewers call in and interrupt the serious discussion about whatever case is being talked about that day (cough – Casey Anthony – cough) to tell Nancy how much they love her and her children. Nancy Grace is on every night at 8 on Headline News.

[LARA CROFT]

Yeah, I play videogames. Sometimes. Aside from Resident Evil, my favorite franchise might just be Tomb Raider. And for Lara Croft to understand the awesomeness that is herself, she has to put in mind one thing: Angelina fucking Jolie portrayed you in not one, but two movies about you. I know, I know, you may be asking yourself, “Why didn’t he just pick Angelina Jolie for this list instead of a fictional, computer animated character?” Believe me, I considered it. The fact is, Lara can handle any weapon she gets her hands on with ease. She can climb any monstrosity of an ancient ruin she comes across. She’ll go anywhere on the planet to find what she’s looking for without a single hesitation. She’s the perfect woman… if only she were real.

[AUBREY O’DAY]

Oh Aubrey, where would I be without you in my life. I thank God every day that Diddy hasn’t given up on Making The Band, and keeps bringing you back season after season. I know my good friend Daniel hasn’t seen the light and gotten over the fact that Aundrea is NOT the best fifth of Danity Kane, but I definitely know where it’s at. Aubrey is never one to keep from speaking her mind. She’s never one to back down from a good instigation, and that is exactly the type of person I look for in a reality TV show. She’s one of a kind, and I love her for it.

-AH

SOTD (Song of the Day):

Diddy f/Brandy – Thought You Said

"Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it."

Funny how one of my favorite TV shows of all time ended up deceiving me so badly.

Replace that "love" with "hate" and you just about pin the tail on the damn donkey. Actually, make that "dislike" instead of "hate". I don't actually hate it. Yet. And don't worry, I know I've worn out the "words in quotation marks" welcome already, so I'll stop. For now.

I guess I should get to the actual point of this whole first blog post thing, and really, the reason I decided to start this blog in the first place.

Wait, the word blog kind of annoys me. From here on out I'm going to refer to this "blog" as a... I don't know, let's give a throwback to that first quote up there and call it a "gleeba". Ugh, those quotations marks are back. Oh well.

NOW, imagine you didn't read that last paragraph and let's get back on track with the POINT of all this.

You see, I just graduated from college. Well, not really just considering it was in May and I've basically been sitting on my ass since then. That's not ENTIRELY my fault though. Lucky me decided to major in Broadcast News at the wild and almost wonderful West Virginia University. Let me tell you something about the broadcast news industry. It's not a piece of cake finding a job after you graduate. I mean, I've done everything I'm supposed to do. I got a bit of experience during school. I interned for about a year. I got my resume tape done before I finished school, which wasn't even that difficult since I'm wanting to get a producer job and all you need for that is a couple of shows you've produced slapped onto a vhs or dvd. I even threw in some cube spins to fancy that sucker up. I wrote my actual resume. (Do you "write" a resume?) I wrote my cover letter, which I have to say just may be one of the best cover letters of all time. I put all that shit into a big envelope, along with the script that goes with the tape, and sent the package to all the usual places you'd send it when trying to get an entry level TV job, like CNN.

Just kidding about CNN. The only thing I'd send to them would be 108 roses and a profession of my love to Richelle Carey, but that would make me a borderline stalker. I'm not quite at that level yet.

Actually, I've found places to send my resume by leeching my friend's TVJobs.com account. (Yeah, that's right. Shoutout, Jackie!)

So, this site has job listings for places all over the country for all levels of experience. I've found quite a few places to send stuff to, and after a little over a month of this, all I've gotten from all my slightly hard work is a craptastic phone interview. This was really my first "official" job interview and I pretty much lived up to my self expectation of being a horrible interviewee. Here's a little sample of how it went down.

Guy Interviewing Me: (What I thought he was saying) So what's it like there?
Genius (Me): Uh... hilly?
Guy Interviewing Me: (While laughing.) (At me.) I've never heard anybody describe their job search as being hilly before.

And believe me, it stayed at the bottom of the hill from that point forward, because there really wasn't any more room for it to go downhill after that.

I've sent some more resumes out after those amazing fifteen minutes of my life, and I've waited patiently for the zero responses I've received for them. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. Disliking life. Maybe I'll just move to LA and try to get on a reality show. I wonder if The Two Coreys is casting.

Until I do, or until I up my job responses to ONE, I'll try to keep you filled in on what the hell is happening with my life, and the rest of the world for that matter. So put me in your Bookmarks Toolbar Folder and check up on me every once in a while.

Who knows, maybe I'll end up being the Sean Motherfucking Combs of the blog - oops sorry - gleebasphere.

-AH