The Eye of Rambaldi

Well, here’s the first installment of “Prophet Five,” where I’ll list five things revolving around a common theme.

…and today’s theme is: “Women who kick ass.”

[CHELSEA HANDLER]

It’s too bad that Chelsea goes for “Silver Foxes” because anytime, anyplace she changes her mind and decides to become a full blown cougar…. CHELSEA I’M HERE WAITING! This girl is hands down the funniest person I have ever seen, heard…whatever. And for her age (sorry Chels), she is smokin’. If you’ve never experienced this very classy and modest lady for yourself, definitely check out her late night talk show on E! (is there an ! with that?) at 11:30 P.M., or really any hour of the day with the reruns.

[NASTIA LIUKIN]

So for the past two weeks of my life, the Olympics has pretty much run my life. I don’t know what it is, but I LOVE seeing our country utterly destroy others in competition (Michael “The God of Everything” Phelps). I don’t really follow gymnastics, but seeing Nastia kick so much ass last week while looking drop dead gorgeous doing it, has made me almost regret not following it more. Whether she’s calmly waiting to rip one of those underage Chinese bitch’s heads off, or winning a god damn gold medal, she’s making me fall in love with her. Come on SI… put THIS ONE in the next swimsuit issue!

[NANCY GRACE]

Nancy Grace states her case… and you better watch the fuck out if she doesn’t agree with you. I really think it says it all when she’s not on her show for whatever reason, maybe taking care of her newborn twins or just taking some time off, and has to call into her OWN show to argue with the people on it because they’re full of BS. And that’s the thing. She sees right through any and all types of bullshit, and will put a stop to anyone feeding it to her or the viewers. It also makes me laugh every single time, when viewers call in and interrupt the serious discussion about whatever case is being talked about that day (cough – Casey Anthony – cough) to tell Nancy how much they love her and her children. Nancy Grace is on every night at 8 on Headline News.

[LARA CROFT]

Yeah, I play videogames. Sometimes. Aside from Resident Evil, my favorite franchise might just be Tomb Raider. And for Lara Croft to understand the awesomeness that is herself, she has to put in mind one thing: Angelina fucking Jolie portrayed you in not one, but two movies about you. I know, I know, you may be asking yourself, “Why didn’t he just pick Angelina Jolie for this list instead of a fictional, computer animated character?” Believe me, I considered it. The fact is, Lara can handle any weapon she gets her hands on with ease. She can climb any monstrosity of an ancient ruin she comes across. She’ll go anywhere on the planet to find what she’s looking for without a single hesitation. She’s the perfect woman… if only she were real.

[AUBREY O’DAY]

Oh Aubrey, where would I be without you in my life. I thank God every day that Diddy hasn’t given up on Making The Band, and keeps bringing you back season after season. I know my good friend Daniel hasn’t seen the light and gotten over the fact that Aundrea is NOT the best fifth of Danity Kane, but I definitely know where it’s at. Aubrey is never one to keep from speaking her mind. She’s never one to back down from a good instigation, and that is exactly the type of person I look for in a reality TV show. She’s one of a kind, and I love her for it.

-AH

SOTD (Song of the Day):

Diddy f/Brandy – Thought You Said